Disconnected
by AllyBallyBee
Summary: Scully meets up with some friends and ponders what makes her relationship with Mulder different.


She didn't do this often. She hardly ever had the time...between the continuous travelling, following any wild and bizarre case that Mulder happened to come across (she was still unsure as to how the case files ended up in their isolated basement office), and the more often than welcome hospital visits. But when she did have the time, and Mulder hadn't decided that the weekend was just an extension of their working week, she chose to see these women.

These women who she had known for so many years that it almost seemed that she had never _not _known them; who, more importantly, knew her and therefore didn't judge her when she didn't see them for weeks on end with no excuse.

"Oooh, look at him!"

Scully switched back to the conversation and looked in the direction of the man that her friend Michelle had pointed to.

"Definitely good-looking. Not my type though", she stated, smirking and turning back to her friends.

"And what exactly is your type, Dana? I haven't seen or heard of you being on a date in...oh god, I can't even remember!"

"It's been a while", she said, tucking her hair behind her ear self-consciously, "I don't really have the time though so...its fine."

"I could set you up with someone. Remember that guy from my work, Jeff? He's single and he has lots going for him. I think you'd like him." Lacey was always trying to set her up with what seemed like legions of men from her work. Scully often wondered if she spent more time finding eligible bachelors than she did working.

"Honestly, I just don't have the time for dating. Plus, I'm happy not having someone right now. I'd never see them and...well, it just wouldn't be a good idea." Explaining her situation to her friends was never an easy option. She couldn't even explain it to herself; the significance of which was not lost on her.

"How about that guy that you work with? It was a couple of years ago now but I remember him being cute?" Amy never failed to bring up Mulder, almost as if she thought that bringing him up would guarantee a positive answer on their relationship status.

She had never felt comfortable talking about Mulder with her friends. Or anyone for that matter. It wasn't because she didn't want to; it was more that when she attempted to explain Mulder and what he meant to her, she never had the right words to say. How could she explain her relationship with a man who was, all at once, her best friend, her protector (not that she would ever use that word to him; she wouldn't hear the end of it), her partner, her....dare she say soul mate? It was all too complicated. Especially when it came to the 'physical' aspects of their relationship. Her friends would never understand.

"Yeah, Mulder's lovely. Has anything ever happened between the two of you?", Lacey questioned.

Everything, she wanted to say. Everything that meant anything to her. He had seen her at her best, her worst and everything in between. For so long she had tried...fought...to keep her emotions from him, thinking that their partnership would suffer if she showed any form of weakness. Her battle hadn't lasted long. A wink across a busy theatre lobby and the realisation that Mulder would always have her back ("_It seems like you were acting very territorially", "Of course I was"_) was the beginning. A woman named Phoebe and her history with Mulder was when she realised that being part of Mulder's life, Mulder's battle, was no longer a choice but part of who she had become, and in truth, who she wanted to be. Siding with Mulder against several of those agents who refused to listen, never mind give any form of credence to, his theories, cemented that fact.

"No, we're friends. That's all." Part of her hated lying (although was she? They _were_ friends) to these women who often laid their souls bare but she knew that even an attempt to explain would lead to questions that she had long attempted to avoid. Part of her longed to have something to say. To feel connected to these women on a level that she hadn't felt on par with since starting on the X-Files. She missed their advice, their condolences when something went wrong, their support. She longed to participate in conversations that weren't as profound as whether we're alone in the universe but that still managed to make her feel connected to the rest of the population. She wanted to feel that her problems could be solved over a couple of cocktails or a tub of ice-cream.

And yet, she knew that as much as she wanted to recapture the relationship that she once had with her friends, she also knew that it had reached a stage where that possibility had become unrealistic. She realised that the option to return to a sense of unguarded honesty with these women would mean relinquishing what she had with Mulder; accepting a chance for a sense of connection by surrendering the man that made her soul breathe. The chance for both options had ceased the first time he had asked her whether she believed in extra-terrestrials and it had become clear that she was no longer part of a world that didn't understand why that question would need to be asked.

She turned her attention back to her friends. The conversation had moved onto the newest releases from the cinema and she knew that she had once again managed to dodge the inner workings of her partnership with Mulder. As she re-integrated herself into the conversation, it became clear to her that it no longer mattered whether she was able to connect to these women on a level that she once had but that they were still in her life at all.

With that, she realised that it would not be the same in her relationship with Mulder. No matter how disconnected her work on the X-Files made her feel from reality, her life, her friends, she knew that Mulder was what connected her to herself. What kept her fighting, breathing...living. And that was, in the end, everything that mattered to her.


End file.
